Stupor Bowl LIX
Closing in on three decades of my seldom-updated "sporting topics," and it seems I've finally come around to something to say about American football, and the cultural melée that surrounds it, that one thing a year for which we all have to review our Roman numerals.
Before all that, when it was just THE Super Bowl, and the Green Bay Packers beat the Kansas City cultural misappropriation (fka the "AFL"), and then two-peated the next year against the Oakland Raiders (where are they now?), I was keenly interested in the gala, because of the alt-hometown team. After they did not win in III, my enthusiasm waned. I didn't really have a dog in this year's fight, although best to have the team that beat the Packers win it all, and also, denying a first-ever three-peat would be nice to do, so that, you know.
A couple of once-great, later-tawdry star quarterbacks for Green Bay tainted my ur-fandom, and the extreme violence of the sport has become sickening to me. There are better things to center in our culture, but we seem steadfast in keeping them subservient. Anyway, a couple friends who are Eagles fans gave me enough incentive to watch the game, plus the ads, and the half-time show one should see at least a little of to keep up with the Zeitgeist.
So, on with the game. And stuff. And the color commentary!
SPOILER ALERT, even though I reckon there's zero chance you'd need one the next day and buried in the obscurity of fortboise, if you keep reading, you'll see how it turned out. And H/T to Joe Bradshaw's commentary for the BBC to fill in some details I missed, including who our crimer in chief was rooting for (the losers), and more informed insider dish on the peripherals.
Trombone Shorty and Lauren Daigle were great on the NOLA version of "America the Beautiful," and how cool to have Jon Batiste put his talented heart into our national anthem.
Did I mention I was watching it with a well-buffered DVR? Can't imagine being compelled to watch it all in real-time, without pause, skip, and do-overs.
They've sucked the life out of kickoffs, as you probably know. Play proceeds slowly, multiple clocks running, time is always running out. Even before the first "play."
Right off the bat, there's a dodgy call, and whining commentators, "let 'em play," and I'm thinking of the camera cut to our Felon-in-Chief in the pregame foo. The Supremes gave him the no-call, and look how badly that's turning out for most of the country, and the planet.
Call the foul, I say. I'm ok with that offensive pass interference call, even if it's in favor of KC.
But in a dome, sigh. On carpet. And a flyover no one could see, that was weird. Football should be outside, you know. On grass. Get a little muddy maybe. And get the blasted spider cam out of the picture.
Dunkin Donuts went wild with their big shot. But ew. Bu yao for their product.
Ringing the hospital bell is moving to a lot of people... shame that the B-team is intent on destroying healthcare, and science.
Gambling is creepy.
Also Thunderbolts (yet another comic book movie) using Tulsi Gabbard to sell their dark fantasy, v. creepy.
The cruise ad. Ugh. Weird food ads. Little Ceasar, ew. Fox "News" selling itself, "FOR ALL AMERICA." They Just Can't Stop Lying. Among the cuts to the crowd was one of Rupert Murdoch, with a voiceover homage to "the boss."
The "Brotherly Shove" is nice. Old school wedge gets the first touchdown.
Mountain Dew got my attention. "Good looking seal."
Then there's an ad for Jesus, what? He Gets Us. (On a website.) Followed immediately by Liquid Death extolling "drink on the job," but hey, "DON'T BE SCARED. IT'S JUST WATER." If that's true, what the hell is it doing in aluminum cans? Canned water can afford a Super Bowl ad? All hail to marketing.
Cooper DeJean is famous, getting a pick 6 on his 22d birthday. Youch. It's getting late early for the Chiefs. Something something no offense yet, and time actually is running out in the first half. Another 3rd and long. And another sack. Ouch.
Then some dot matrix art, damn, that takes me back. And a dancing tongue?! Definitely did not see that coming, nor do I want whatever it was they were selling.
"I am. Somebody." For all the youth organizations the NFL supports. Good.
Mayonnaise is exciting again! Who knew? (I'm guessing only Boomers got that one.)
Sorry to see Budweiser downsized to a single horse. Hard times.
Ermergerd, ANOTHER INTERCEPTION, right after one of the yaks said "still a long way to go." Now longer if you're rooting for the culture misappropriation.
Nice ball toss/spin-down after A.J. Brown tiptoes into the end zone for the 3rd touchdown, and a 24-0 lead with 95 seconds left in the half. The FIRST half. (Didn't find a clip of the ball unhandling, but The Times of India has an amusing sideline snippet.)
Then a big push on breasts grabbing our attention, for... fighting breast cancer. Not sure what the call to action was there, but ok. Something for everybody.
The Chiefs are looking so bad, I'm wondering if they're really trying to win. How much money is in play in the betting pool? But hey, "still a long way to go"?
We don't need six talking heads to break down the blowout, thanks. Let's get to THE SHOW.
Thunk thunk thunk. Closed captioning was... interesting. The dancers reminded me of Woody Allen's sperm parade. (Sorry, more Boomers-only stuff.) "I deserve it all." It wasn't until I read the after-color that I realized the dance team was all RED, WHITE, and BLUE. Too subtle for me, apparently.
(Also that, in deference to the first criminal US president to ever attend a game, they changed the endzones' message from END RACISM to CHOOSE LOVE, which are both worthy sentiments, but one apparently is an affront to U-NO-HOO.)
A lot of work in the song and dance, clearly tightly rehearsed. Had an Olympics opening ceremony feel to it, and oh, who knew, a backstory of defamation between rap stars as Samuel L. Jackson played Uncle Sam with understated indignation, and current superstar Kendrick Lamar (who knew all this stuff?!) 'bristl[ed] through a 13-minute set." "Frequent collaborator SZA" sang a bit, that was nice, and oh, I missed Serena Williams' "surprise cameo as a dancer."
UPDATE: And, not at all knowledgeable about the genre and all, and unable to follow the many layers, I missed lots more about it. Spencer Kornhaber has more, in The Atlantic, and Christian Réd's take (on Facebook) dove a lot deeper.
It ends as an ad for Apple's music business, fitting enough.
And then another ad! For GIRLS FLAG FOOTBALL. OK, just do it! And STAND UP TO ALL HATE, that's good.
"Inclusivity advertising seems pretty popular," one friend posted.
My favorite ad was Harrison (Ford) for Jeep, with an only slightly subtle anti-fascism statement. Wonder if the MAGA were still tuned in.
"Real heroes are humble. They're not driven by pride. Pride is a terrible driver."
The game? What? It was over early. You could've skipped the second half. The Chiefs avoided getting shut out is about all you can say for their side. Final score 40-22, but it wasn't anywhere nearly that close.
Tom von Alten, Feb. 10, 2025