Rush Limbaugh Leaves Rehab, Says He's Now Liberal

(Bettyford, California) -- Former conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh shook the world of conservative talk radio today, announcing that he has converted to liberalism. The statement was made at a press conference following his 30-day treatment to overcome addiction to painkillers.

"I don't know what the hell I was on for the past few years, but it must have been some really serious dope," said Limbaugh. "I mean, I must have been drinking some serious bongwater."

Limbaugh said that he spent the first three to five days of treatment practically unaware of his surroundings, facing painkiller withdrawal after stopping the drugs for the first time since before beginning his popular national talk show.

"Then -- at about day ten -- it was like a veil was lifted. I started thinking clearly for the first time in years."

The big shock, Limbaugh admitted, came when another patient asked him to sign a copy of his most recent book. "I paged through it and read a couple of pages. I couldn't believe the crap that was in there. I guess Franken was right. I really was a big, fat idiot."

Limbaugh plans to be very active over the next few months. "I have a lot to do. I need to retool the show, write a book that counters all the earlier junk, and ... oh, hey, and when did Bush's kid become President anyway? Jeez. This country is going right into the toilet."

Several people have also reported receiving phone calls from Limbaugh. Sen. Hillary Clinton called told a New York Times reporter: "I received a phone call at my office from someone saying he was Rush Limbaugh. I thought it was a prank, of course. He finally convinced me it was him and he apologized. He said he was sure he had caused me a great deal of pain while he was taking drugs and he needed to make amends. When I realized it was really Rush I just about plotzed."

Sources close to Limbaugh also say he plans to give away a portion of his considerable fortune. So far, surprised donation recipients include the ACLU, People for the American Way, and National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League.

10/11/2003 by Kim Day

Tom von Alten      tva_∂t_fortboise_⋅_org

Monday, 13-Oct-2003 09:24:46 MDT